It is snowing outside and I can see through the window that both my kids are having so much fun making snowman (or at least something like that) in the backyard. Our dog is having a blast running from one end to the other.
Maaaammmmmaaaaaa….come out….come plaaaaayy….They shout at the top of their lungs throwing snow in the air.
I can imagine my future self screaming ….. ‘Go outside and play! Lie on the ground…Make snow angels, jump up and down….your knees still function lady…use them!!!
I am sitting wrapped up in the cozy blanket, sipping chai and enjoying the warmth of the fireplace.
For a moment I do think of joining them…..I play the scenario in my head
I will have to get up, find the jacket and the cap and the scarf and the socks and the boots and layer up and it is cold and slippery and muddy and wet…..
Whew, that was one tiring scenario…..
Nah
I curl in further into the blanket.
The kids stop calling my name.
Tsk, tsk….my future self shakes her head in dismay and disappears saying….and I will wait patiently!
I open the fridge to grab the salad I prepped in the morning but the 7 layer cake shines like a diamond on my way.
Good Choices. Good Choices. I repeat in my head.
But the cake has been sitting in for a few days and it will go bad and we should not waste food. And it’s just 3 slices.
I grab the cake.
One bite.
Okay…just two
Wait what…I ate it all ?
Soo much energy….I will clean this room and then do that laundry and empty the dishwasher and prep for dinner.
I load the washer and empty the dishwasher and as I make my way to clean the room the jitters and nausea set in. I fall to the bed barely able to open my eyes. Sugar Crash is real.
I feel sick.
As I run to the bathroom to throw up I bump into my future self who sighs and says “Should have had the salad …..but I will wait patiently!
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I know I still don’t get it.
I cling to what I already know and am comfortable with. The routines, the usuals. The smalls.
I will still reach for things I should not.
I know I will do things the wrong way only do it right someday…….just that today is not that day.
_____
Somewhere deep inside my future self says….You will not get it
No matter how hard I explain to you, you will not believe me.
You will laugh off when I tell you that you are in the best shape of your life.
You would not agree if I told you that your decision to let go of the crazy itinerary and just sit on the beach and watch the waves for the entire evening with your loved ones will be memories they will cherish forever.
You will not believe me if I tell you that the road trip where you decided to go off track and take the back roads will have stories you will be telling your future generations.
But I will wait patiently!
______
To be honest. You should not believe me.
Not because what I tell you is not true.
Because You are not ready.
You are not there yet.
But one day you will be.
With age.
With experience.
With grace.
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A few years later when the snow comes again, you Will step out. The kids will not be kids anymore. No one will be calling your name but you will figure out a way to get the entire family outside. The knees will hurt but you will make the extra effort and get on the ground to make snow angels with them. And you will have the biggest smile and happy tears because in your mind you will be making up for the missing memory of that one snow day.
